plano premier league
Alright so last Tuesday I finally kicked off this crazy idea called Plano Premier League. Thought it’d be simple – just gathering local folks for some proper football matches. Boy was I wrong.
The Disaster Setup
First I drove to Walmart at 6am grabbing cones and dollar store whistles. Cheap crap started breaking before we even began – plastic cones snapped when I shoved ’em into concrete cracks for goalposts. Some dude showed up wearing flip-flops saying “Thought this was beach soccer bro.”
Team chaos unfolded immediately:
- Angry Karen yelling about parking spaces
- Three guys arguing over Messi vs Ronaldo
- Old dude stretching like it’s Olympic finals
- My whistle disintegrated on first blow
Half these players hadn’t touched a ball since high school. One guy tripped over his own feet and ripped his jeans wide open. Bloody knees everywhere within 10 minutes. My emergency bandaids disappeared faster than free pizza at a tech conference.
Game-Time Mayhem
Started with 4v4 since only eight people showed. Felt like herding drunk cats. Everyone forgot positions so I scribbled lineup notes on Dunkin’ Donuts napkins. Wind blew ’em straight into someone’s coffee cup.
First “goal” happened when Mike – electrician by trade – booted the ball clear over fence into Mrs Patterson’s rose bushes. Took 15 minutes fishing it out with sticks while she yelled from her porch. Whole match paused because Greg “needed to fix his ponytail” for Instagram pics.
Epic Meltdown Moment
Final straw came when Chad bulldozed three players attempting bicycle kicks. Just straight up bowling ball tactics. Jen screamed “THIS AIN’T UFC!” while tending to her sprained wrist. Chad yelled back about “soft millennials” until Dave’s cousin shoved him – they both tumbled into mud puddle from morning sprinklers.
Outcomes after two hours:
- Three pairs of ruined sneakers
- Two bruised egos
- Mrs Patterson threatening trespass charges
- My folding chairs stolen
- Absolute zero football actually played
Learned three things: 1) Always bring extra whistles 2) Charge deposit for parking rage incidents 3) Never trust anyone who wears designer cleats to pickup games. Plano Premier League season two? Yeah right. Maybe when pigs fly over Texas Stadium. Gonna stick to FIFA on PlayStation from now on.
