Manchester United Fitness Test Standards – How You Compare to Players

My Attempt at the “Beep Test” Disaster

Right, so I saw this thing online about the Manchester United fitness test standards, specifically the dreaded beep test. Thought, “How hard can it be?” Spoiler: Very. Found a flat bit of park near my house, measured out 20 meters with my steps – roughly, you know? Downloaded one of those beep test apps onto my phone. Felt properly organised. Hit start.

That first level felt… fine? Just walking really. A stroll in the park. Level 2, still okay, jogging slowly. “Pfft, Premier League players sweat over this?” Famous last thoughts. By level 4 or 5, my breathing started sounding like a busted bagpipe. Level 6 had me running properly, legs feeling heavier with every turn. The beeps kept getting faster. Started panicking every time I heard that damn sound.

The Point of Total Collapse

Around level 8, my throat was on fire. My legs were moving but felt like jelly. Saw spots? Seriously. Barely made the turn for level 9 once. The next beep seemed to come instantly. Knew I was cooked. Missed the line by a mile before the beep sounded. Stopped dead. Hands on knees, gasping, spitting, genuinely thought I might see my breakfast again. Took me a good five minutes just to stand up straight without swaying.

How I Stack Up (Hint: It’s Not Good)

Managed to hit level 8. Or was it 7? Honestly, after that, my brain was mush. Decided to look up what the actual players do. Big mistake.

• Bruno Fernandes? Reportedly does level 14-15 as routine. My brain couldn’t compute.
• Average United First-Teamer? They target minimum level 13. THIRTEEN.
• Academy Kids? Even the youth players are hitting 11 or 12 easily.

Me? Stuck somewhere around that number 8. Maybe 7. Feeling tiny. Ridiculously tiny. That gap? It’s a bloody ocean.

Reality Check (And Excuses)

The app doesn’t lie. My legs burning like hot coals didn’t lie. Turns out chasing a ball on TV while eating crisps doesn’t make you match-fit. Who knew? I need to focus just to keep my dog moving on a walk sometimes. Thinking I could casually match pro footballer fitness? Pure madness. Complete delusion. It’s on another planet. Requires crazy dedication every single day – morning runs, gym sessions, carefully planned meals, naps, massage… the whole circus.

Why Bother Sharing This Humiliation?

Because sometimes you need a smack in the face to see things clearly. Seeing that level 13 target next to my level 8 wreck? Hilarious and brutal. Pro athletes are different beasts entirely. It’s not even the same sport as us regular folks kicking a ball about on weekends. It’s humbling, yeah? Makes you respect their grind. Also makes me never want to hear that beeping sound again. Going back to walking the dog. Much safer. Less vomit-inducing.